Rescind

A verb meaning to declare null and void, or to take back.  Words.  I think Eminem said it best in his song “Sing For The Moment”, the line goes: “I guess words are a motherfucker, they can be great or they can degrade, or even worse, they can teach hate.”

You see I when I was younger I used to just spout off whatever came to my head when I was angry with someone close to me, not caring how they would feel, not even caring if what I said was truly something I felt or even a true statement.  I just wanted them to hurt and I always accomplished my task.  I was so accomplished I’m completely alone now.  I don’t have a single family member who speaks to me.  I have many regrets.

I’m already a little skittish with people in general anyway.  I don’t put myself “out there” so to speak because I don’t believe people in general are inherently good.  We all have a propensity for both good and evil.  It’s all about if you wake up and decide to stay in the light that day.  I’ve suffered from unimaginable evil and the darkness there has changed the way I would have looked at the world.  I see the shadows and I live in them comfortably.

I don’t bow to anyone.  I don’t break.  Even in my quiet as you throw your tantrum I’m thinking in my mind all the horrible things I want to say to you and I’m laughing.  It’s not something I can help, I’ve tried.  I feel as if I’m flawed.  I don’t enjoy it but I’m good at it so I have to shut it off.

I hate it when I’m pushed because as I sit there right on the edge of telling you everything you think you so desperately need to hear from me, I know, I know deep down how horrified you’ll be when my mouth opens and out bleeds this depraved thing and it’s searching.  It’s searching for you, it wants to eat you whole, it wants to pick the flesh from your bones, it wishes your brain could live through it so you’d know, so you’d feel the pain of it.  It’s hungry.  You have no idea the things it wants to say to you to make you understand just how much you’ve angered it.  The words would stick to you like a long slimy tongue licking you up the side of your face from the mangled monsters mouth.  You’d never be able to wipe it off.  You’d be marked from it forever.  You’d know how serious it was by its soft low tone.  You’d run.  You’d stammer and apologize making yourself small and doing what you could to just to get away.  These are things I know because this dark trespasser lives within me.

I grew up a little. I decided with some practice and anger management counseling that in an argument I would remain silent and go for a walk after.  I had to fight my trespasser for control.  Only after an argument where the other person said their peace and I walked, would I make a statement as to how I felt and the statement would always be honest and calm.  I don’t enjoy fighting with anyone.  I don’t enjoy hurting people.

It goes the same the other way too.  If you say hurtful things to me it sticks in my head.  I may say I forgive but I don’t, not really.  I don’t think humans truly do anyway.  It’s because we have memories.  We are unable to forget and therefore we can’t truly forgive.  If you say you don’t care about me, or you think I’m ugly, I’ll always think of those two things first when you talk to me and it will influence my guardedness with you.

The saying is true, there are things you can say that you just can’t take back.  People don’t always forgive.  They never forget.

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Published by: allinduetime1

Beginning to write again after several years of being in the corporate world. A few of my posts are old stories I wrote in high school or earlier. Most are new. I like to write emotionally. I like to write things that are close to me or hit hard for me at different moments. I write everything, anything, whatever comes to mind. Some stories are true, some are fantasy. Mostly, I write for me, so that I'm relevant to me, so that I remember. Feel free to let me know what you think. I love feedback.

Categories Advice, Anger, Anger Management, relationships, WordsTags, , , , 2 Comments

2 thoughts on “Rescind”

  1. So many times words of anger flow easier than words of forgiveness. It is an easy trap to fall into, to be hurtful as a defense. Not a criticism nor an allowance, either. But living in shadows makes the anger an immediate response to any argument or altercation.

    And you are so right; we forgive but NEVER forget. But in our capacity as humans, neither can we let such angers and fires stay in our bellies, lest they eat us alive. We can’t forgive many times, even when we should. But even then, there is conflict. And that is what makes us human. The trespasser and how we handle them.

    But you play a far-sweeter note than many others would in the same situation. You have the foresight to see through the anger and darkness, and even see the light there in its midst. I envy you your vision.

    Thank you for your words. dear lady – such sharpness and clarity is a gift. And yes, I love every word of it.

    Forever in awe of you. 🙂

    -NE

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