Friends are gathering around me tightly, closing ranks. I haven’t seen many in years and it’s supposed to be a blessing to see them now. I won’t lack for attention or company in the coming few months and I’m grateful yet annoyed. It has taken a life threatening disease to make them come and turn their care buttons on.
My annoyance led me from the house this night to the stables again. There is no question this is a place I find solace in my darkest hours. Tonight I just want a beast like me to take control of the ride and lead me. I need to let go.
It’s chilly out since it’s Thanksgiving in Ohio but I know Midnight Frost’s towering muscled body will keep me warm so I don’t bother to put on shoes, at this point, I don’t even care if I get sicker. I mount him blanketed bareback with just reins and a rope wearing my old faded frayed jeans and a blue thermal long-sleeved shirt and an old pearl snapped flannel of my dad’s.
He’s a beautiful steed. He reminds me so much of Reaper that it brings more tears to my eyes as I stroke his neck. He’s all black and when he moves he shimmers like black ice, he’s dangerous, treacherous. He’s exhilarating, breathtaking. I named him after a talented poet I found on Twitter @cognacandconvo and I’m very proud of this stallion.
He’s anxious tonight as he hasn’t been ridden in a while and I pray he doesn’t throw me off again, the last time I rode him he threw me through the training fence. If he does so this time, there’s no one out here to help me. Whispering I say “fuck it, I don’t even care.” I’m just arrogant enough at this point to go ahead and ride him. I can hear his soft whinny. It’s like he knows we have to be quiet so I nudge his sides and encourage him out the barn doors toward the fields. It’s foggy out and yeah everyone under moon knows I shouldn’t be on this horse, but I’ll tell you a secret. I don’t have a single fear of these types of things anymore. I never have really, I’ve never believed in God, and I’ve never really had faith in anything tangible, so I’ve lived my life wide open. I’ve always taken risks. I’m always the girl who hops on a plane to fly 3000 miles to meet a guy because I like him. Yup, I’ve done it 3 times with 3 different men. I’m the first one in all my friends to yell “I’m in” when a plan is formed. I’ve been very lucky. I’ve traveled, I’ve been able to do some really incredible things. It’s just, right now I’m confused and frustrated and I let my mind wander so I when we get far enough from the house, I slip his reigns and let him run so my mind can begin to sort my business.
Big changes are coming for me. Things I didn’t want and things I can’t change. I’m not used to that sort of thing. I’ve always been the captain of my ship, the person who has hand-picked her own destiny. I’m the kind of person who makes swift informed decisions and I don’t look back with regret. I have no regrets. I’m no inspirational quote or greeting card. I don’t buy into bullshit and my cabinets are all stocked up with crazy. I’ve had enough pain to last a lifetime and I certainly don’t harbor any illusions about everlasting love and monogamy. Anyway, none of that is neither here nor there. My thoughts on the ride are scrambled and inconsistent, when I look up I realize he’s taken me almost 2 miles away from my house and we’re at a neighbors pond just standing and waiting.
I stare at us over his shoulder, his eyes meet mine when my first tear falls. He watches me as I cry silently. I bury my face in his neck and whisper “Níl mé eagla Frost dhéanann tú cróga dom agus má fhaighim bás ar a laghad a chonaic mé tú arís.” (I’m not afraid Frost you make me brave and if I die at least I saw you again.)
You have these moments in life where you just feel closer to something. Some people say God, some people say Earth, Nature, the Universe. I don’t know what it is. I just say “closer” At that moment I would say closer to Frost. My grandmother says I have a unique ability about reading people good and bad without even knowing them. I used to think she was just messing with me. But over the years I’ve learned my senses have been spot on. And not just with people but with animals too. Frost is a part of me. It’s as if I’ve known him.
Whispering all my thoughts and wishes for the coming months in Gaelic I wrap my arms tightly around his neck resting my head there with my tears sliding into the blackness of his hair listening to him breathe. He stands as still and stoic as the night comforting me, letting his strong resonance seep into me and it makes me finally drift off to sleep in the deep November Midnight Frost.