“Just breathe baby, breathe through it, put your head back and let your airways open. Breathe baby.” She kept repeating this over and over. “you’re going to be okay, breathe baby.” We were ten and some girls were making fun of me. I had let it get it to me.
My tears stopped and my breathing evened out. She said “the secret to stopping crying is to breathe through it, you stare straight ahead, open your airways, and breathe. Don’t even let them see you do it.”
I practiced and with some work I got it down. She was right. No one ever saw me cry again. No one ever had that power over me again, no matter how badly they hurt me. I never wanted anyone to think I wasn’t strong and capable. So what she taught me that day was so valuable to me. She taught me to control my emotions. I’ve never cried in the presence of someone else since.
My father died, I felt as if my heart had shattered in my chest and the shards were stabbing their way out to reach him but I didn’t cry. I remember breathing quietly talking to his body one final time, giving him my last solemn promise. I desperately wanted the tears to come. I felt as if I owed him at least a torrent of those perfectly shaped beautiful drops of sorrow filled with 23 years of my absolute adoration and love for this man who raised me but to my dismay none would come.
Through the years I’ve gotten quite a reputation for being an Ice Queen or being frigid and that really couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m quite emotional as most of you can see from this blog. I do have feelings. I just don’t fly into a crying jag or a rage fit. I loathe confrontation. I remain absolutely silent in an argument. I prefer to walk away always. I don’t even care to explain my side of any situation. This is why I’m able to walk away easily. It’s not that my heart isn’t breaking, it’s just that I need to get away so I can break down alone.
I am slowly learning that it’s okay to let go with certain people, that not everyone is out to hurt me and that it’s okay to trust my heart a little bit. It’s not easy, but I’m trying.