I’ve been trying not to listen to the noise in the world. There’s so much. It’s deafening sometimes. It seems to drown out everything I’m thinking to the point where I just want to lay my head down and cry from it. I can’t concentrate. I can’t write. I can’t form coherent sentences. So much noise. None of it even makes sense. It wears on me.
It surrounds me like hot towels in a steam room, suffocating, making me suck in small breaths. My heart beating fast, faster, out of my chest it seems. I close my eyes to try and make it go away and it just seems to make it worse. Closing in on me. I can feel it. The noise from the world. Tires screeching up my back. A radio thumping across my shoulders. A baby crying in my earlobe. Two men talking across my face. I want to scream but I can’t. It’s stuck there in my throat. Like a fist. Something is keeping it from coming out. Is this panic? It has to be, right? So much fucking noise. Shut the fuck up!
I run to my room and slam the door, peace? Noi. Noise here too.
You’re my best friend Bella. I love you Bella. I’ve met someone else Bella. I’ll be there for you Bella. I’m sorry Bella. Come see me Bella. You should move here Bella. Never mind Bella. Come find me when you’re all better Bella. You’re a slut Bella. You’re drama Bella. You play games Bella. You’re a liar Bella. Oh I do have a girlfriend I’m sorry Bella. You have to do chemotherapy Bella. You need to grow up Bella and act your age.
NOISE, NOISE, NOISE, NOISE.
It never stops. It ‘s always there in one form or another. So I’ve learned to shut some of it out. I’ve learned in the worst way possible. I’ve learned to shut the noise of the world out by not caring. I hate myself for that. I always felt that kindness would beget kindness but it’s just not so. So many people out there use and abuse others. They give off so much noise it’s impossible to block them out sometimes.
I’ve been in a state of violent woe for a few days. Just too much goddamn noise. So I’ll put the music on and write until I fall asleep at my desk. I’ll create a little bit of my own fucking noise.