Officer please consider this me Filing a Missing Persons Report for all those who’ve walked out on my heart recently. I miss them terribly. I can still feel them with every heartbeat.
I have so many questions, so much I’d like to say but somehow I can’t bring myself to even mumble out a word to anyone lately. It’s as if my feelings are frozen in my windpipe and I might choke if I try to express them. The only thing I’ve been able to manage is a small whispered “I’m sorry” to myself before I fall asleep.
People come and go from our lives all the time. I’m aware of this. They make promises and life happens, it just happens and they have to break their promises. It’s not even their fault in some cases. But, the fact is this, I’m still bleeding from the last time someone cut me open. I decided a few years ago to keep absolutely zero expectations on people near me. For the most part, it’s worked out, I haven’t gotten too hurt in the process of being friends, but there’s been a few that I’ve gotten close to who I valued more than others, who I may have developed feelings for and thereby may have had an expectation grow. It wasn’t on purpose, I didn’t mean for it to happen. I wish it hadn’t, because when they left, it hurt. If I’m truly honest, it hurts either way. Whether I keep expectations or not. If I care, and you leave, it hurts.
I don’t keep expectations because I want the person I’m with to want to be the man I need. I want him to want to come home to me, not because I expect it. I want him to love me, not because I said it first or because I have money or whatever…but because he feels it. I feel the same way about my friends.
I’m no saint, I’m far from perfect. I have secrets. I get a little crazy every now and again. I have no faith in God. I’m on my second round of chemotherapy and I do believe I’ll be okay eventually. I’m loyal. When I say I’ll do something I do it. If care, I care forever, no matter how badly you hurt me. I believe that sometimes “I’m sorry” is all that needs to be said. I don’t know if love exists truly. I believe I’ll be alone for the rest of my life, and I’m okay with it. I’m not ecstatic about it, but I’m okay with it.
I’ve been very lucky in life to meet the people I have, to have the friends I’ve had, even if they’re no longer in my life. If you’ve ever had a friendship that made you smile every day, made you look forward to every day just be grateful you had it. If they have to go, let them.