If this blog becomes hard to follow please let me know and I’ll try my best to repost at a later time, because tonight I’ve been in a state of revelry and it may begin to make no sense. With that said, let us begin.
For the last 7 years I’ve believed that “myself” wasn’t good enough for someone to fall in love with, not real love, in fact, I haven’t even been sure love even existed. I’ve recently been reevaluating that belief. I’ve been virtually single for around 6 1/2 to 7 years now. Oh, I’ve dated, I’ve had small relationships lasting around 3 months at a time, but nothing too serious. Nothing to get all swoony over.
I didn’t mind being single. I didn’t have a problem being alone. I do my best work alone. I enjoyed not answering to anyone but I do miss camaraderie, I miss having someone help make major decisions, I miss having someone to bounce ideas off of, I miss cuddling, and I definitely miss fucking. You knew I was going to say it. Might as well put it right out there. You people who read me, you know how I feel about fucking, it should be done often and with great fervency.
You see though, I don’t fuck just to fuck. I don’t need practice. I know how to fuck. I don’t have one night stands and I don’t just sleep with the men I date to please them or myself. I want to care deeply and genuinely about the person I’m with, I want them to care deeply and genuinely for me. So I simply haven’t done it. I’ve been with two men my entire life and I’m happy with that. I write about sex, I study sex, I don’t need to practice it to prove I know about it. But we’re not talking about sex. We’re talking about love.
My biggest question when I got divorced was “was the love I felt for him real?” I still don’t know. I go back and forth. I feel as if he tricked me. Every day he would tell me he loved me and needed me. I believed him. I believed him so much that I thought I loved him back. I believed everything he said. He tricked me. So was the love I felt real? Or was it because of his tricks? I mean I found out in the end he cheated on me, the entire time, so, you know….was it real? And who answers these things?
I think, I’m at a place that I simply am ready to let it go and just believe I can love someone and they can love me. Things change, people grow.
Something lovely to describe how I’m feeling right now. The sun is calling for me where the moon used to conjure me.