One of my favourite meme’s. It’s a girl holding her heart giving it away because she’s so broken. The words above “Love you, Mean it”. How many times have you said the words to someone and not really felt them? I know I’ve done it. I’ve uttered them hundreds of times back to people when I was just simply parroting their sentiment. Not wanting to hurt them by not repeating for them their emotion in their time of need.
I wish now that I’d have taken the time, at least a few extra seconds, to summon some emotion for them, for each “love you”. I wonder to myself how many times I did this with my dad and did he know? Does Zach know? And fuck! Does he do it to me? I’m so sad tonight. I can’t shake this feeling, this overwhelming feeling of loss and loneliness, it consumes me. These bone shaking sobs seem to go on and on forever and I can’t seem to catch my breath it all feels so damn hopeless.
Just as I reach for a tissue my phone pings a message coming through and I think who the hell would message me at 4 a.m. on a Saturday morning? I check it and it’s from me, a message I scheduled two weeks ago and it says “I love you. I mean it.”
I lay my head down and let it all out. Months of this. We all fall, don’t we? Even the strongest of us have these little breakdowns in the quiet of the night when no one is watching, when no one can pretend to comfort us. This is the time when we need to get our head right and recharge our strength to keep going on. You see I scheduled that text two weeks ago when I was starting to feel darkness. I knew this was coming, I think all truly damaged people know when it begins, you sense it and you know you have to get that down time to be alone and count your regrets and sins.
People who say they have no regrets in life, I have two things to say about that. You’re a fucking liar and I feel sorry for you. When the time comes to admit your regrets, it’ll be too late.
Words can hurt. Words can heal. But not unless you mean them.