My Dearest Friend,
For that is what you are. I’m writing tonight to offer the explanation you so desperately seek from me. We’ve grown so close these past months and you’ve offered me great comfort but I need to remind you that I did warn you of my position and how I’ve felt on the subject and I never wavered, I never led you astray in my feelings and I’m so truly sorry that you’ve found yourself here. I can only give you the following to ease the ache you’ve expressed.
I stopped believing in love years ago. I don’t believe anyone can understand what it feels like to lose in the way that I’ve lost and I know that this thought is naive, plenty of people lose, plenty of people experience pain. I’ve allowed this to damage my soul, I’ve allowed it to break me in a way that cannot be fixed.
I was an overweight nerdy girl in high school who was hiding from men. I had my reasons. The all-star quarterback , handsome, intelligent, funny, and nice decided I was his girl and nothing would stop him from having me. From the first time he asked me out, we were both in the 9th grade, he was truly my high school sweetheart and for 15 years I loved him beyond possibility. Every day he would look me in the eyes and tell me how he adored me, loved me, couldn’t live without me. He would say every single day that I was his passion, his one and only, his girl, his woman. He would hold me tight and say things like mine, forever, never leave me. He would tell me how he would move heavens for me, he would kill for me, he would die for me.
Throughout the years every now and again I thought he might be cheating on me with my very best girl friend. He would deny it emphatically. He would go so far as to make me feel as if I were crazy, and you know, I honestly felt a little bit crazy and remorseful that I could even think this of this wonderful, loving man.
One night in June everything fell apart and to be real in the moment all I really remember is him looking me in the eyes holding me tight repeating over and over that he loved me, that it didn’t matter, that he didn’t mean it, that it meant nothing, that I was his girl, to not leave. But I knew, I looked at him and I just felt it from him. He loved her too.
I hope you never know how it feels to be betrayed like this, our entire relationship was just gone. Two people I had loved the most, with a passion and intensity of every fiber of my being, were just gone from me. They were my world, my singular focus in life, everything I lived for was making them happy.
And the children, oh God, the children they had together. I struggled my entire life with the fact that I couldn’t have a baby. I would never hear the word “mommy”. I would never have that little piece of my immortality, that little slice of myself and my husband. I would never have a mix of our love that we created together. It broke my heart every single day to know I couldn’t have that and worse that I couldn’t give that to my husband. And he was wonderful. He said he didn’t want kids. He said it didn’t matter to him, that he loved me despite it and that I was perfect. He said this knowing the entire time he had children with her. This alone sent me to the edge of reason. This alone had me sitting on the rooftop of my building in New York staring at the night sky wondering what it was all about and if I was truly worth stepping back from the ledge.
I do believe that night it just hit me in my darkest hour, some sort of survival mode that forced me to realize that love just simply doesn’t exist. Love is nothing but pretty words to bring comfort, to cover lies, to harbor deceit, the words are a simple manipulative tool used all too commonly to influence.
Relationships are two people using each other until they grow bored or find something better and move on. You go through the motions, use the right words but in the end, and there’s always an end, there’s suddenly no more love.
So now you know, my dear friend and I hope you learned a few things and take heed. I wish you happiness always.